#weekendcoffeeshare

Weekend Coffee Share: Charlottesville

/ Luanne Shernisky / 9 Comments

Weekend Coffee ShareIf we were having coffee I’d want to tell you that I knew something bad was going to happen in Charlottesville this past weekend.

And I’m not referring to the usual vandalism and looting that often go along with protests and demonstrations.

The Friday night images of the “Unite the Right” demonstrators wielding torches evoked a distant memory. As they marched across the darkened UVA campus I was reminded of a scene from the 1931 movie Frankenstein.

Scene from Frankenstein movie (1931)-townspeople with torches

The townspeople in that story were on a mission to destroy a creature that they feared.

He had a kind and gentle nature but was “different” in appearance and behavior.

Based on these differences they made incorrect assumptions and treated him with hatred. Intimidated by his extremely large size and peculiar looks they labeled him a monster.

Eventually, he too became violent due to the hostility and maltreatment they had shown him. 

Without ever attempting to communicate and understand Frankenstein, they rejected him in the most contemptible way.

I think this is a part of prejudicial bigotry. It’s a fear of people and things that are unfamiliar or different. Without an earnest effort to discover why this fear exists there won’t be a conversation. And without a conversation, there won’t be a positive change.

Some of us grew up in homes that embraced diversity in all its forms. Everything from race and religion to clothing and food. We were taught tolerance and a healthy respect for other people and their cultures.

It was okay to be different. After all, the Declaration of Independence guarantees ALL human beings certain inalienable rights.

This doesn’t mean we have to agree with everyone else’s choice regarding lifestyle and belief system. As long as their rights don’t supersede yours and everyone enjoys equality; live and let live.

When we encountered other people or ideas that were different it evoked curiosity, not fear or suspicion. We learned the “do unto others” adage and applied it in everyday life.

Sadly, some of us were taught to fear anything that was contrary to our norms.

Those differences were immediately suspect and we were encouraged in our paranoia and sense of superiority. 

Rather than learn about and understand other races and religions, we turned a wary eye.  Acceptance of individuals outside our belief system would weaken our exclusive groups and mixed marriages would dilute our lineage, robbing us of our true identity. 

 But, what is our true identity?

Is it how we dress and talk? Is it defined by our facial features?

No, I believe it’s internal. Not determined by physical attributes, but rather by the content of one’s character as Martin Luther King, Jr. so eloquently stated. Our minds and hearts make up the intrinsic part of our identities. 

The external parts of our identity are things like our legal name, address, credit score, and the entire paper trail we’ve established since our birth certificates were issued. It’s our material goods and assets. It’s the shape of our noses and our ability to tan or burn without sunscreen.

Race

A person can suffer a terrible accident resulting in extensive disfigurement. Various types of cosmetic surgery can drastically change one’s appearance. Modifications to any part of our physical bodies can alter one’s looks and change the outward presentation.

But, it can’t change who we really are: our ideologies, beliefs, personalities, emotional intelligence, etc.

I would urge anyone who judges others based on skin color, religion, or life philosophy to make a concerted effort to get to know the person.

Let go of the fear associated with the unfamiliar. Educate yourself regarding other cultures, religions, and human beings. Learn and become familiar.

You might discover that the commonalities outnumber the differences. And the differences can actually enrich your life in ways you never dreamed possible. 

 

 

 

 

Weekend Coffee Share | Compassion

/ Luanne Shernisky / 7 Comments

giulia-bertelli-94235If we were having coffee this weekend I’d ask you whether you think our world could use more compassion.

I certainly do. 

I’m amazed daily by reports of abuse and neglect, particularly against the most helpless in our societies. 

Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy for someone who is stricken by misfortune, with a desire to alleviate the suffering.

Regardless of whether that person is you or someone else, three things are necessary for compassion:

  1. You must recognize the suffering
  2. You must feel moved and want to help
  3. You realize the common humanity in suffering

Recognize suffering

This one seems simple enough; we easily recognize when someone else is hurting. But, sometimes we don’t recognize it in ourselves. At times we confuse sadness and anger when they can be one and the same. 

This was something I discovered after enduring a long-term, verbally abusive marriage. I was angry at the way my spouse treated me, but didn’t realize the feelings of outrage were interlaced with great sadness. 

With some therapy and a lot of helpful books, I was able to develop a better awareness of my own feelings and how they dictated my behavior. I learned about Emotional Intelligence (EI), which is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships carefully and with sensitivity.

It’s taken some work, but I score better today on EI measurements. Also known as emotional quotient (EQ), Justin Bariso, author of EQ Applied, researched for two years what emotional intelligence looks like. He composed a list of 13 signs of high EI. It’s an easy read in case you’re wondering how many you possess.

Feel empathy

This is easy for me when it comes to other people. I’ve always been empathetic and sometimes to my own detriment. This is a hallmark of codependence; putting other people’s needs first because you feel so bad for them. But, what about me?

Unfortunately, I didn’t apply this to myself. Instead, I’d listen to my inner critic, which is always quick to point out weaknesses and failures. Compassion was something I saved for others, not realizing how much I needed it, myself.

Realize normal vs undue suffering

This one is a bit more complicated. Yes, everyone suffers at times. But, at the hands of an abuser, you mistakenly think that you deserve the pain; that you’ve done something to warrant the criticism and put-downs. Essentially, I could look at other abused people and feel sorry for them, but not myself. 

It’s a strange concept now that I’ve healed from those years of malicious treatment. If only I had cared for myself back then the way that I do today. I would’ve salvaged so much time and self-esteem. However, I’m grateful that I got out of that toxic environment with a much better appreciation for myself.

I still have moments where I doubt my abilities. But, I recognize this as a human condition that everyone feels at times. 

The difference now is that I’m aware when those feelings strike.  I’ve learned to counter the fear and doubt and use positive self-talk.  

I’ve learned to treat myself the way that I’d treat a loved one; with care and compassion. I focus on my strengths and allow for the weaknesses. If I fail at something I encourage myself to try again. 

Because of all that I’ve learned, I’m able to be my own best friend. And that makes me a better friend to others! 

Revised & reposted from 2017