#RevofKindness

2016 Kindness Challenge – Week 3

/ Luanne Shernisky / 7 Comments

Kindness Wk 3

As we moved through week 3 of the Kindness Challenge our goal was to radiate kindness. This is easy to do when things are going smoothly and just the way we want. Smiles and a happy outlook are effortless under ideal conditions.

But, how about when everything goes wrong? You know…those days when we wish we had stayed in bed. It feels like a dark cloud is hanging over our heads and nothing is working out the way we hoped. 

At these times the only thing we radiate is anger or frustration. Some of that is directed outward at other people and circumstances beyond our control. The weather, the unexpected traffic jam, the cranky boss. These types of issues can certainly put a damper on our plans and/or spirits. 

This irritation is made worse if we start to blame ourselves:

“I should’ve been prepared for the change in weather.”

“I could’ve left earlier to allow for a possible traffic delay.”

” I would’ve worked harder on the last project, if only the boss were more appreciative.”

Should’ve, could’ve and would’ve.

If we make it a habit to constantly criticize ourselves when the going gets tough, we sure won’t be tolerant of others. During Week #1 we were asked to focus on self-kindness. Directing kindness internally must be an everyday practice if we want to show it outwardly. 

I used to be quite hard on myself, largely due to the circumstances that I lived under. I blamed myself when things didn’t go right, convinced that I could’ve made a difference if only I were smarter, faster, tougher, etc. Certainly, there were times when I dropped the ball (like most human beings), but I was taking responsibility for things that were out of my control. Eventually, I left a bad situation and began to educate myself about the importance of self-compassion.

As I began to treat myself with love and patience, I was able to accept my humanity. Being human means occasionally making mistakes and I learned to be okay with that. I also noticed that I was more tolerant of others. Things that used to upset me no longer had the negative effects that they once had.

This past week one of my children made a snarky comment and I was able to let it roll right off. My response was a smile and a good-natured, “Oh, no that’s not what I meant…” and I explained in further detail my point. Ten minutes later I got an apology.

It’s so empowering to be more in control of my own emotions. How great if feels when someone is mean-spirited and I’m able to say to myself, “Something else is bothering them” or “They’re limited emotionally when it comes to this subject.”

Kindness_ContagiousOftentimes, answering anger with understanding can diffuse a tense situation. It’s important to remember that anger is a mask for sadness. 

We must let go of the need to be perfect. Recognizing our own humanity and giving ourselves an occasional pass when we make a mistake or use poor judgement allows us to do the same for those around us. Our kind energy is contagious and that’s definitely something worth “catching.”

 

2016 Kindness Challenge – Week 1

/ Luanne Shernisky / 8 Comments

Self Compassion 2

Kindness Challenge – Week 1

Challenge is the right word when it comes to showing ourselves kindness.

We take care to treat others with courtesy, particularly strangers. We’re taught to be polite and respectful, hoping to make a good impression on other people. 

So, why is it such a challenge to be kind to ourselves? 

The reason is simple:  it’s because of the countless expectations and high standards that we hold ourselves to. So often we measure our self-worth with how we perform in school, work, and relationships. If we’re successful according to society’s model, then we feel worthwhile. If we fall short, we feel like a failure.

The feelings that we have towards ourselves originate in infancy. They are a result of the style of upbringing that our parents or caregivers choose. Our self-worth (or a lack thereof) continues to evolve throughout our lives, shaped by the many people who influence our development. That influence can either promote or stunt healthy growth. Even the best parents, teachers, coaches, etc. unintentionally send the wrong messages that can undermine a child’s self-esteem. Really bad parents/caretakers can do horrendous damage, through abuse and neglect.

As humans, we don’t always measure up to our self-imposed standards. When this happens we are especially critical to ourselves. If only we could exercise the same kindness that we have for others.  

Think  of the words and phrases you use  when comforting other people during stressful times:

“Don’t worry; everything will work out.”

“I know how hard this is and I’m here for you.”

“You’re a good person and didn’t deserve to have this happen.”

“I believe in you. You’re very capable and this is only a temporary setback.”

How often do we use this kind of self-talk when dealing with our own imperfections and shortcomings? 

Niki over at The Richness of a Simple Life created this Kindness Challenge. I think it’s a great idea since the world needs kinder people in it!

RubinCharity begins at home, so Week 1 is about being kind to yourself. Because this can be hard to do, I decided to reread a book that really opened my eyes on this topic. Not only will it refresh what I learned a couple of years ago, it is definitely an act of kindness towards myself!

If you’ve ever struggled with depression, self-doubts, or low self-esteem, then you’ll want to get this book: Compassion and Self-Hate by Theodore Rubin, MD. After you’ve read it be sure to share it with others!

It will help you understand how and why humans have the capacity for this dichotomy of both self-compassion AND self-hate. It explains how those emotions are created and why we struggle with them throughout our lives. 

It points out that if a person cannot be compassionate with him/herself, it will be impossible to show real compassion for others. Remember the bullies from school that now work in your place of employment? Despite all the bravado, they were taught by their parents to dislike themselves.

Children learn what they live.

The bully’s parents learned it from their parents. It’s a miserable cycle that continues. We all could afford some parenting and human psychology courses to ensure communication skills that build positive relationships and healthy people.

Niki offered some ideas for things to do throughout the Kindness Challenge. Since I love quotes, I’ve chosen the “read an inspirational quote first thing in the morning.” Here are a few I’d like to share:

 

Learning self-compassion will help us be kinder to others and that’s a challenge worth taking…Join us!