Quotes

How To Be Victorious in One Postive Step

/ Luanne Shernisky / Leave a comment

Mountain_ManPLATO

Some of the toughest battles we fight are with ourselves.

Whether it’s having that second piece of pie or getting the last word in a disagreement, we often act impulsively instead of deliberately with careful thought.

Everyday life is filled with external stress that comes from our relationships, jobs and a multitude of other places. While it’s impossible to control these outside circumstances, we do have the power to control our attitudes about them.

I’ve written before about the need for self-reflection when it comes to building a better life and relationships. Understanding ourselves fully will explain why we react to certain people and situations in the ways that we do.

In turn, this understanding teaches us to harness automatic emotions and use careful thought and reasoning when making decisions. Foresight makes hindsight unnecessary.

But, where do these automatic emotions come from?

If a given experience or person causes us to have a negative reaction then we’ll associate the next similar experience with suspicion and distrust. Sometimes simply thinking about the person/experience is enough to trigger bad feelings. This is called generalization of learning and can reinforce the self-defeating behaviors that often result.  

However, we must consciously want to develop this skill and that requires changing how we think.

None of us is 100% right all the time. Our different worldviews and histories shape our opinions and beliefs. We certainly have our unique perceptions of things, but that doesn’t mean the other person is wrong.

It simply means that your experience and his/hers are different, as well as the impressions that go along with those experiences.

When we think of being victorious it’s usually in the context of winning a competition with someone else.

But, many hard-fought victories involve ourselves. Understanding our habit of viewing other people and ideas in a certain way will help us identify the areas we need to work on. 

If we remain rigid in our opinions and unwilling to listen to another’s POV, then we’re destined to remain stuck. No personal growth is possible.

But, why do people choose ignorance over enlightenment? I believe it’s due to familiarity and fear. We’re more comfortable with things that are familiar and we’re fearful of looking incompetent.

Stepping outside our comfort zone and being vulnerable requires a lot of courage. We want to feel safe and that’s more easily achieved in a familiar environment. Being vulnerable means admitting we’re “less than perfect.” 

Research professor Brene Brown warns that perfectionism shouldn’t be confused with self-improvement. In this interview with Forbes magazine she comments that healthy striving is self-focused: how can I improve. Perfectionism is other-focused: what will they think?

To be conquered by our own negativity and narrow-mindedness is truly a shame. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Conquering those demons requires honesty about our fears and failings, which is never easy. We must acknowledge our weaknesses and work to overcome them. Realizing that other people struggle with their own doubts and limitations can help us change our perspective. Once we’re able to see through a more neutral lens our feelings and attitudes will change for the better!

 

 

 

Predictions From Punxsutawney Pennsylvania

/ Luanne Shernisky / Leave a comment

A groundhog next to the message Happy Groundhog Day from Punxsutawney PhilEvery mile is two in winter.  ~George Herbert

The infamous rodent of Punxsutawney, PA has once again seen his shadow at this morning’s festivities and predicts six more weeks of winter.

The history of this 131-year-old custom is a great example of actual fake news. 

But, people hold tightly to traditions and long-held beliefs for a variety of reasons; the scientific facts not being one of them!

Despite Phil’s announcement, I’m predicting ten more weeks of winter. March comes in like a lion and sometimes goes out that way. I don’t feel we’ve seen the last of winter until we’re safely into April. 

In the meantime, stay warm!  🙂

 

How To Turn Failure Into Strength and Success

/ Luanne Shernisky / 5 Comments

Yellow and red darts on a board showing attempts at success

You always pass failure on your way to success. ~Mickey Rooney

Who among us hasn’t dealt with failure? No one, that’s who.

We’ve all felt the sting of losing or not accomplishing a goal that we set for ourselves. Sure, we also enjoy successes, but the road to achievement is often filled with more failed attempts than successful ones. 

I got to thinking about this while contemplating my new year resolutions. I always start off with great enthusiasm only to feel it waning a couple of months in. Why do I lose that initial fervor so quickly?

I’m inclined to think it’s because of my attitude about failure; I’ve always viewed it as a bad thing. After all, it IS the opposite of success. I also view anything less than reaching one’s goals as a failure. Therefore, if I don’t post regularly on my blog, then I’ve failed at writing. If I don’t avoid sweets then I’ve failed at eating healthier. And if I fail then I may as well give up, right?

Wrong.

Not everyone sees failure as a negative. During her June 2008 commencement speech at Harvard, J.K. Rowling talks about the “fringe benefits” of failure. In this insightful TED Talk she describes hitting the lowest point in her life and career: 

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

J.K.Rowling Harvard Commencement address

Rowling points out that we all decide for ourselves what constitutes failure. Some people see falling short of a goal as ultimate defeat, while others view it as a challenge to be overcome. 

Because failure feels so lousy it’s a great teacher. When things come easily we often don’t have much invested, be it time, energy, or hard work. Failure may involve humiliation, rejection, or some other painful emotion, but one thing is certain: we don’t forget. Any lessons learned from the experience are scorched in our memory. Failure then becomes an effective means of learning.

There’s a lot of advice about how to turn failure into success. I boiled them down to what I believe are the basic three steps:

#1 – Acknowledge your humanity

No one is perfect or leads perfect lives.

Sometimes we forget this. Our society and media bombard us daily with news and views of athletes, entertainers, models, overnight millionaires, etc. that appear to be somewhat super-human. When we compare ourselves with them, it’s easy to feel like a mere mortal. Unless we read the back story of these folks we may never hear of their own struggles with failure.

Unrealistic expectations set us up to fail, which is why it’s so important to set achievable goals. No one’s perfect and it might require many attempts. This is where self-compassion comes in. Just as we graciously encourage our children and others to keep trying, we must do it for ourselves. If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. 

#2 – Don’t view failure as a negative 

View it as an “uncomfortable” opportunity.

No, failure doesn’t feel good, but it has value. It’s like going to the gym and working your ass off; sweating, being short of breath, smelling bad. Getting in shape isn’t much fun, but being in shape feels awesome. Failure becomes an unlikely means to an end that teaches important lessons about strength and endurance.

#3 Set realistic goals

A small success is better than no success.

Rather than trying to lose 25 lbs. make it 10. Instead of exercising an hour each day, do 30 minutes. As each goal is reached you’ll feel empowered to raise the bar.

And if you fall victim to cheesecake or life prevents your session at the gym, get back on the wagon asap. Losing a day or two doesn’t mean defeat; it’s a temporary delay towards a permanent goal.

Front cover of children's book The Little Engine That Could

I’m reminded of the popular children’s book The Little Engine That Could.

I bought it for my son before he started preschool and loved reading it to him. My hope was that it would teach the importance of hard work, belief in yourself, and not giving up.

Many years later, after applying to various law schools, he called to tell me that he had been accepted to the University of Virginia, one of his “top tier” choices and ranked in the top ten schools in the country. 

“I’ve realized my dream,” he said, his voice a bit shaky. My first thought was one of disbelief, then amazement and pride.

My second thought was of this book that I had read so often while he and his siblings were growing up. Without the benefit of being a minority student, legacy admission, or wealthy donor, he was accepted completely on his own merits.

The lesson of “I think I can” served him well. 

I believe failure is a stepping-stone to the best kind of success; the kind that’s earned.

Unlike the benefits of money and position that are merely handed over from one person to another, climbing the ladder of success has its own benefits. 

And slipping on a rung or two on the way up is one of them.