Self Awareness

Weekend Coffee Share | Compassion

/ Luanne Shernisky / 7 Comments

giulia-bertelli-94235If we were having coffee this weekend I’d ask you whether you think our world could use more compassion.

I certainly do. 

I’m amazed daily by reports of abuse and neglect, particularly against the most helpless in our societies. 

Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy for someone who is stricken by misfortune, with a desire to alleviate the suffering.

Regardless of whether that person is you or someone else, three things are necessary for compassion:

  1. You must recognize the suffering
  2. You must feel moved and want to help
  3. You realize the common humanity in suffering

Recognize suffering

This one seems simple enough; we easily recognize when someone else is hurting. But, sometimes we don’t recognize it in ourselves. At times we confuse sadness and anger when they can be one and the same. 

This was something I discovered after enduring a long-term, verbally abusive marriage. I was angry at the way my spouse treated me, but didn’t realize the feelings of outrage were interlaced with great sadness. 

With some therapy and a lot of helpful books, I was able to develop a better awareness of my own feelings and how they dictated my behavior. I learned about Emotional Intelligence (EI), which is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships carefully and with sensitivity.

It’s taken some work, but I score better today on EI measurements. Also known as emotional quotient (EQ), Justin Bariso, author of EQ Applied, researched for two years what emotional intelligence looks like. He composed a list of 13 signs of high EI. It’s an easy read in case you’re wondering how many you possess.

Feel empathy

This is easy for me when it comes to other people. I’ve always been empathetic and sometimes to my own detriment. This is a hallmark of codependence; putting other people’s needs first because you feel so bad for them. But, what about me?

Unfortunately, I didn’t apply this to myself. Instead, I’d listen to my inner critic, which is always quick to point out weaknesses and failures. Compassion was something I saved for others, not realizing how much I needed it, myself.

Realize normal vs undue suffering

This one is a bit more complicated. Yes, everyone suffers at times. But, at the hands of an abuser, you mistakenly think that you deserve the pain; that you’ve done something to warrant the criticism and put-downs. Essentially, I could look at other abused people and feel sorry for them, but not myself. 

It’s a strange concept now that I’ve healed from those years of malicious treatment. If only I had cared for myself back then the way that I do today. I would’ve salvaged so much time and self-esteem. However, I’m grateful that I got out of that toxic environment with a much better appreciation for myself.

I still have moments where I doubt my abilities. But, I recognize this as a human condition that everyone feels at times. 

The difference now is that I’m aware when those feelings strike.  I’ve learned to counter the fear and doubt and use positive self-talk.  

I’ve learned to treat myself the way that I’d treat a loved one; with care and compassion. I focus on my strengths and allow for the weaknesses. If I fail at something I encourage myself to try again. 

Because of all that I’ve learned, I’m able to be my own best friend. And that makes me a better friend to others! 

Revised & reposted from 2017

Happy places

/ Luanne Shernisky / Leave a comment

Wooden walkway leading to the beach & oceanWhy the beach theme for my blog?

Because it’s my happy place. We all have one that serve as a refuge from life’s chaos. It’s where I go to escape, quiet my mind, and rejuvenate.

Unfortunately, the ones closest to me aren’t the sand and shell type that we associate with the word “beach.” They’re the dirt and rock type that line freshwater rivers and lakes.  As if that’s not sad enough, the local beaches are currently buried in dirty snow and ice.

I live too far from the coast and don’t get to my happy place nearly enough.

So, the escape must be to my blog, of which has been sorely neglected since I published my first post a couple of months ago. Two deaths in the family and preparations for a trip to Washington D.C. have derailed my commitment to regular writing sessions. One of the hardest parts of writing (and dieting, exercising, etc.) is doing it on a regular basis. Why is it so hard to find time to do the things that are good for us?

However, I’m going to focus on the positives: I’ve kept up with it all, met the deadlines, and filed my taxes. I’m now sitting at the computer to write, so I’m feeling hopeful once again!

Before I sat down to create the blog, I knew it would have a beach theme. I had been contemplating a name, because I believe that’s a very important aspect. When I visited the library as a youngster, I would meander up and down the shelves searching for a title that piqued my interest. I do the same thing when I’m perusing the WordPress blogs. Of course, I search for topics of interest, but then narrow down the choices by titles; interesting titles.

I first heard the term following sea in the Crosby, Stills & Nash song “Southern Cross.” In boating, a following sea refers to a wave direction that matches the heading of the boat. For example, if the waves are heading in the same direction as the sailor, then the water is “following” the sailor’s boat (courtesy of Wikipedia.) This makes sailing much smoother and is one half of the expression “fair winds and following seas.”

This is often used in toasts and to commemorate a new voyage, among other things. I liked the analogy between how the circumstances and people who make up one’s life, can often help create either calm or rough waters. Life is a voyage, full of choices that either encourage or discourage a following sea.

I also wanted to follow-up the title with a tagline; something to complement the purpose of the blog. In keeping with the ocean theme I settled on “Navigating Your Best Life.” I’m a middle-aged woman, divorced, newly graduated and facing choices about how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I want to share my experiences and write about things that other folks my age are dealing with: aging parents, career changes, relocation, menopause, relationships, and a host of other issues. Maybe I can offer something that will be helpful or resonate with someone else. At least I can purge all my emotions and thoughts on paper or, in this case, a computer monitor!

Everyone desires a happy life, whatever that means to each of us. But, it takes a lot of work and sacrifice, not to mention all the things that impact us, both positively AND negatively. It’s not linear and involves careful navigation in every decision we make.

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Lastly, I chose my own photos for the blog. For me it’s a visual analogy. Like the changes in our daily lives, the rise and fall of the tides bring daily changes to the beach. The seashells, unique in their differences, signify the people in our lives. Various types of objects and debris wash ashore each day, some beautiful and others not so much.

All of these components set the tone for my blog and make it a place I enjoy coming back to again and again, just like I enjoy returning to the beach!

 

Decisions

/ Luanne Shernisky / 4 Comments

Well here goes nothing. Or something. We’ll see…

Starting a blog is the something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but kept putting off. I had all the right reasons:  I worked full-time, attended college part-time, and was helping with the care of my father, whose dementia was growing worse. Combine that with shopping, cooking, banking, laundry, apartment cleaning, homework, helping my mother with things  she used to depend on my father for, and I stayed pretty darn busy! What precious little time and energy leftover was spent with my adult children and significant other (when they were available), trying to relax and enjoy life.

This past year I graduated and my dad went into a nursing home (both of which provides plenty of material to blog about.) It also freed up time in my evenings and weekends. I promised myself the blog would be on my New Year’s resolutions list for 2015.

So, here I am. A fifty-something Baby Boomer with a newly minted Public Relations degree…and hot flashes. I’m in a transition period and menopause, all at once. Talk about fun! I’ve worked at the same company for 17 years and because there’s no room for advancement, it’s time for a career change. I want to find a job that fulfills me, while utilizing the education I’ll spend the rest of my life paying off.

I’m still trying to accept the recent changes that have occurred: the fact that my dad will never hang curtain rods for me again, among other things. My oldest son and daughter-in-law moved to Florida 18 months ago. They are doing very well, just bought a house, but I miss them a lot. My middle child (another son) is single, lives and works here in our hometown and is super busy. I don’t see enough of him and have concluded that it’s easier to get an audience with the Pope. My youngest, a daughter, is spending the upcoming spring semester in Washington D.C. completing an internship, and will graduate in May. She is a talented writer, a total introvert, and probably the only girl her age who wants to live with her mother forever. She thinks we should move to Florida to be near her brother and sister-in-law, who she feels will be starting a family soon.

“You will be near your grandchildren and we can be like Dorothy and Sophia on the Golden Girls,” she quips, referring to the popular late 80’s TV sitcom, featuring the mother-daughter duo played by Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.

Decisions

Honestly, though….I’m in a tough place right now with some big decisions looming. What’s my next move?

I despise the western Pennsylvania weather and have wanted to move to a warmer climate for most of my adult life. Stringing Christmas lights in palm trees is my fantasy; living by the ocean my dream. The job market here isn’t promising either. At some point my mom will need assisted living and my brother and sister live out of town. The situation with my SO (significant other) is complicated. He’s a wonderful person and very good to me, but he has a lot of his own issues. Looking ahead I don’t see much outside of a dating relationship. If I had a great job, loved the climate, had more financial and personal security and living space, then I’d be content to stay (or would I?)

But I’m not content and once my daughter graduates in May, I will no longer be location bound. Her graduation has been my deadline for making the decision.

So, how does one decide whether to stay or go? How do you prioritize who and what matters most in a descending list? How can I make the right decision based on what I want when that also means sacrifices?

And what about fear? Yeah, I’m scared of the changes, but fear kept me stuck in a bad marriage for too many years. I don’t want that to happen again. I don’t ever want to forgo a truly meaningful life simply because change is scary.

Any suggestions?