Self Awareness

Weekend Coffee Share | Self-Acceptance

/ Luanne Shernisky / 6 Comments

Weekend Coffee ShareIf we were having coffee this weekend I’d ask you whether self-acceptance comes easy for you.

Because it’s something many people struggle with. We often feel dissatisfied in our lives; constantly questioning the choices we make, or comparing ourselves to others. 

It may be a negative voice from our childhoods reminding us of what we’ve done wrong. Oftentimes it’s the assault of advertisements for products to help us become “new and improved” with the underlying message that we’re not good enough as we are.

Hindsight bias is an especially cruel dictator. It’s easy to see a situation more clearly once we know the actual outcome of one choice over another. Yet we criticize ourselves for not being a bit more psychic.

We’ve been groomed to feel like failures if we can’t achieve perfection, something completely unattainable. People who aspire to be perfect are often hiding some type of shame and attempting to mitigate judgment from others. 

But, it’s important to remember that perfectionism isn’t the same thing as striving to be our best selves. The various skills we acquire throughout life are divided into two types:

  • Hard skills are easily measurable (reading, math, computer coding, etc.)
  • Soft skills are harder to quantify (proper etiquette, active listening, getting along with others, etc.)

Both hard and soft skills are improved with training, but require honest self-examination to pinpoint areas that need work. Once these are identified we must study and practice change. Depending on what soft skills are lacking, the situation may require therapy with a professional.

It’s no wonder that self-acceptance is so hard! 

 Self CompassionOne helpful way to be more accepting of yourself is to list a few positive character traits. Then consider things you do that don’t fit those traits and why:

  • Patience
  • Empathy

When it comes to patience I have plenty to offer other people. I’m able to recognize their strengths and weaknesses and quickly remind myself that no one is perfect. 

But, sometimes I forget to do this for myself: I didn’t think it through, I should’ve known better, I could’ve prevented this, or I would’ve done better if I had tried harder. 

Rather than recognizing that some things are simply out of our control, I berate myself for being human.

Likewise, I’m quick to empathize with others. I listen intently to their problem and try to offer reassurance that things will work out. I remind them of their limitations and the fact that they can’t predict ahead of time how things will turn out.

Regrettably, I forget to exercise this same care with myself.

Accept_Thich

I’ve gotten much better in recent years after leaving a toxic relationship that reinforced negativity and feelings of incompetence.

Showing kindness to yourself is difficult, especially when you’re on the receiving end of abuse.

The road to recovery is ongoing. I returned to school in 2009 and earned a degree while working full-time. I also made some hard choices that required a lot of courage and big changes that depended upon faith in myself.

It wasn’t easy, but I knew that finding peace would require a major transformation in my life. And I knew it would take time. 

Today, I treat myself with more kindness and acceptance than ever before. Thankfully, this enables me to treat others in the same way!

 

Weekend Coffee Share | Self-Love

/ Luanne Shernisky / Leave a comment

Weekend Coffee ShareIf we were having coffee this weekend I’d ask you what your thoughts on self-love are.

Because love, like charity, begins at home and I’m curious as to whether you agree with this idea.

I don’t feel it’s possible to love others if we don’t love ourselves first. 

And it took a long time for me to learn this important lesson. I always believed that a good person puts the needs of others first. To do otherwise was just plain selfish. 

So, I focused on doing for others and often neglected myself. Who doesn’t love a martyr, right?

That’s not to say that we should shirk our obligations and always put ourselves first; that really would be selfish! But, we have a responsibility to take care of our own needs, as well. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t understand this and wasn’t able to strike a healthy balance. Occasionally I’d become resentful of the people I sacrificed for when they didn’t seem “grateful enough.”

Eventually, I learned about codependence. This is a relationship where both parties are over dependent on each other. A codependent individual needs to be needed in order to feel okay about themselves. 

Once I realized that I was engaging in this type of behavior I began the hard work to change. 

Wants vs Needs

An important first step was to learn the difference between wants and needs. We tend to use these words interchangeably when they actually refer to very different things.

Wants are the things we wish for like tickets to a concert or a new car. They vary from person to person and change over time. These are the “extras” that make us happy but aren’t necessary to live a meaningful life.

Maslow-HierarchyREVThe excitement we feel in attaining them is somewhat short-lived. As time goes by that initial thrill wanes and they’re replaced with a yearning for the next desire.

The American psychologist Abraham Maslow devised the Hierarchy of Needs. This five level pyramid begins at the bottom with the most basic needs and moves upward toward the final level that he calls self-actualization. It is here that honesty, independence, awareness, objectivity, creativity, and originality reside. 

Maslow’s theory is that only a minority of people are able to self-actualize because it requires these more uncommon qualities.

Needs are those things we must have to live healthy, functional lives. Food, water, and shelter are the obvious physical ones. They remain constant over time. Emotional needs refer to those necessary for good mental health: self-esteem, approval, and a sense of security. 

The ability to differentiate between the two is important in how we prioritize and make choices in everyday life. We’re also better equipped to recognize this ability, or a lack thereof, in other people.  

Self-love

 Self-love is the act of valuing your own happiness and well-being. When we see ourselves as worthy of kindness and compassion, we more easily view others in the same way. 

Love Yourself REVAs an important component of self-esteem, it enables us to have confidence and a positive self-image.

Without it, we feel the need to constantly “measure up” to self-imposed and societal standards. If that doesn’t happen then we feel like failures, unworthy of respect for ourselves and others. 

This challenge is based on the work of  Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston. She tells us that self-love is our birthright, that we aren’t required to earn it, but we must believe in it in order to achieve our best selves.

That can be a tall task in today’s world. The race to be smarter, younger-looking, healthier, richer, thinner, etc. is overwhelming. We’re barraged with products and services that can “improve” and make us more successful. 

To overcome this, I remind myself of this quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Changing negative behaviors requires diligence and strength, but we must first be aware of the behavior. Once we identify these unfavorable attitudes towards ourselves we must remember that only through growth can we change.

We always have the opportunity for self-improvement; growth is ongoing as long as we want it and are willing to do the necessary work to achieve it.

Cultivating self-love requires attention and practice. This should be our focus and hopefully, the moments of negativity will dissipate. The goal is to replace it with a spirit of kindness and caring, not only for ourselves, but others as well!

Revised & reposted from 2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weekend Coffee Share | Simple Pleasures

/ Luanne Shernisky / 2 Comments

Weekend Coffee ShareIf we were having coffee I’d ask how you define “simple pleasures” in your life today.

Since my mom died almost two years ago, I started feeding the birds. It was something she always did. I also started doing it as a way to entertain the new cat that adopted me while Mom was in declining health.

We have ceiling to floor windows in the den that look out at a small side yard. There are large arbor vitae trees that provide a home to many birds. I placed several feeders, as well as a bird bath in this area.

I then put a cat tree near those windows and enjoyed many happy hours watching Miss Kitty stalk and “attack” our feathered friends from inside the glass. Even the squirrels would climb up onto the feeders and taunt our poor feline! I’m not sure who was more entertained, the cat or myself.

n79kUwDGS62RIGwfUdptBw

I lost my mom first and then my kitty. I gave the pet items to my son who has two cats of his own, but the bird feeders remained; a constant reminder of what I’d lost.

I considered getting rid of them because watching those little feathered creatures was painful at first. But, I slowly realized that they came to depend on me. Kind’ve like my Mom and Kitty did. 

Sure, my furry friends managed without my help before and could again. But, winter was coming, a season when freezing temps and snow make food and water scarce here in the northeast.

The menagerie of wildlife isn’t limited to just birds, but also includes rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, opossums, raccoons, and the occasional skunk. Knowing that my efforts improve their quality of life makes me feel really good inside.

 There was no way I could let them down and it was a win-win for all of us. So, I continue my ritual of going out every morning to fill the feeders and put out fresh water. I also offer up a variety of fruits, vegetables, and peanuts. As the weather turned cold I even invested in a heated birdbath to prevent the water from freezing.

There was a time when I good-naturedly laughed at my Mom’s concern for the outdoor critters. It was during my busiest years, working and raising a family, and I couldn’t imagine devoting any of my precious time and energy to the wildlife; there just wasn’t enough of either.

But, times have changed.

Cardinal on bird feeder in winter

With the kids grown, my parents gone, and a semi-retired lifestyle, I now have the time. And I consider my caretaking of the backyard animals one of my simple pleasures. I get a tremendous amount of joy looking out the window and seeing them feasting on the goodies I put out. 

I have lots of simple pleasures these days: the occasional bubble bath, good books, walks in the park, playing photographer, writing, lunch dates with friends, and so much more. 

And, of course, spending time with my family. We don’t even have to be doing anything special; just hanging out is best. No deadlines, no expectations, no dress code. Just being comfortable in who we are and making memories. 

Time seems to be the common denominator. We spend so much of our lives working and hurrying to the next thing that we don’t really have time for simple pleasures. It’s all we can do to manage the basics. 

I’m proud of all that I accomplished so far. It took a lot of hard work to raise the wonderful family that I have. It wasn’t easy getting the college degree as an adult. There were heartaches and tears along the way, but that’s life.

And, as with most things in life, there are trade offs. Apparently, the tradeoff for gray hair and creaky knees is time spent doing the things we want to do versus what we have to do.

At this stage of the game, I think it’s well worth it.

What about you?