Kindness Challenge|Week 2: Self-Compassion

giulia-bertelli-94235The focus in Week 2 of The Kindness Challenge is self-compassion.

Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy for someone who is stricken by misfortune, with a desire to alleviate the suffering.

Regardless of whether that person is you or someone else, three things are necessary for compassion:

  1. You must recognize the suffering
  2. You must feel moved and want to help
  3. You realize the common humanity in suffering

Number one seems simple enough; we easily recognize when someone else is hurting. But, sometimes we don’t recognize it in ourselves. At times we confuse sadness and anger when they can be one and the same. 

This was something I discovered after enduring a long-term, verbally abusive marriage. I was angry at the way my spouse treated me but didn’t realize the feelings of outrage were interlaced with great sadness. 

With some therapy and a lot of helpful books, I was able to develop a better awareness of my own feelings and how they dictated my behavior. I learned about Emotional Intelligence (EI), which is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships carefully and with sensitivity.

It’s taken some work, but I score better today on EI measurements. The well-known author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Dr. Travis Bradberry, wrote an article listing the 11 signs that you lack EI. It’s an easy read in case you’re wondering where you fall on the scale.

Number two is easy for me when it comes to other people. I’ve always been empathetic and sometimes to my own detriment. This is a hallmark of codependence; putting other people’s needs first because you feel so bad for them. But, what about me?

Unfortunately, I didn’t apply this to myself. Instead, I’d listen to my inner critic, which is always quick to point out weaknesses and failures. Compassion was something I saved for others, not realizing how much I needed it.

Number three is a bit complicated. Yes, everyone suffers at times, but at the hands of an abuser, you mistakenly think that you deserve the pain; that you’ve done something wrong to warrant the criticism and put-downs. Essentially, I could look at other abused people and feel sorry for them, but not myself. 

It’s a strange concept now that I’ve healed from those years of malicious treatment. If only I had cared for myself back then the way that I do today. I would’ve salvaged so much time and self-esteem. However, I’m grateful that I got out of that toxic environment with a much better appreciation for myself.


Kindness 2017Of course, no one’s perfect. I still have moments where I doubt my abilities. But, I recognize this as a human condition that everyone feels at times. 

The difference now is that I’m aware when those feelings strike.  I’ve learned to counter the fear and doubt and use positive self-talk.  

I’ve learned to treat myself the way that I’d treat a loved one; with care and compassion. I focus on my strengths and allow for the weaknesses. If I fail at something I encourage myself to try again. 

Because of all that I’ve learned, I’m able to be my own best friend. And that makes me a better friend to others!

Week 2 | Self-Compassion


 

Kindness Challenge | Week 1: Cultivating Self-Love

2017 Kindness Wk 1

Love, like charity, begins at home.

It’s impossible to love others if we don’t love ourselves first. This is the prompt for Week 1 of the Kindness Challenge: to cultivate self-love.

It took a long time for me to learn this important lesson. I always believed that a good person puts the needs of others first. To do otherwise was selfish. 

So, I focused on doing for others and often neglected myself. Who doesn’t love a martyr, right?

That’s not to say that we should shirk our obligations and always put ourselves first; that really would be selfish! But, we have a responsibility to take care of our own needs, as well. 

However, I didn’t understand this and wasn’t able to strike a healthy balance. Occasionally I’d become resentful of the people I sacrificed for when they didn’t seem “grateful enough.”

Eventually, I learned about codependence. This is a relationship where both parties are over dependent on each other. A codependent individual needs to be needed in order to feel okay about themselves. 

Realizing that I was engaging in this type of behavior I began the hard work to change. 


Wants vs Needs

An important first step was to learn the difference between wants and needs. We tend to use these words interchangeably when they actually refer to very different things.

Wants are the things we wish for like tickets to a concert or a new couch. They vary from person to person and change over time. These are the “extras” that make us happy but aren’t necessary to live a meaningful life.

Maslow-HierarchyREVThe excitement we feel in attaining them is somewhat short-lived. As time goes by that initial thrill wanes and they’re replaced with a yearning for the next desire.

The American psychologist Abraham Maslow devised the Hierarchy of Needs. This five level pyramid begins at the bottom with the most basic needs and moves upward toward the final level that he calls self-actualization. It is here that honesty, independence, awareness, objectivity, creativity, and originality reside. 

Maslow’s theory is that only a minority of people are able to self-actualize because it requires these more uncommon qualities.

Needs are those things we must have to live healthy, functional lives. Food, water, and shelter are the obvious physical or objective ones. They remain constant over time. Subjective needs refer to those necessary for good mental health: self-esteem, approval, and a sense of security. 

The ability to differentiate between the two is important in how we prioritize and make choices in everyday life. We’re also better equipped to recognize this ability, or a lack thereof, in other people.  


Self-love

 Self-love is the act of valuing your own happiness and well-being. When we see ourselves as worthy of kindness and compassion, we more easily view others in the same way. 

Love Yourself REVAs an important component of self-esteem, it enables us to have confidence and a positive self-image.

Without it, we feel the need to constantly “measure up” to self-imposed and societal standards. If that doesn’t happen then we feel like failures, unworthy of respect for ourselves and others. 

This challenge is based on the work of Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston. She tells us that self-love is our birthright, that we aren’t required to earn it, but we must believe in it. 

That can be a tall task in today’s world. The race to be smarter, younger-looking, healthier, richer, thinner, etc. is overwhelming. We’re barraged with products and services that can “improve” and make us more successful. 

I followed Niki’s instructions to watch for moments when I didn’t feel good about myself. There were several times throughout the past week and all for different reasons.

GrowthREVHowever, I came up with a positive, simple mantra to remind myself that we should always exercise kindness towards ourselves and others. 

“Growth is ongoing…”

Changing negative behaviors requires diligence and strength, but we must first be aware of the behavior.

Once we identify these unfavorable attitudes towards ourselves we must remember that only through growth can we change.

We always have the opportunity for self-improvement; growth is ongoing as long as we want it to be!

Cultivating self-love requires attention and practice. This will be my focus and hopefully, the moments of negativity will dissipate. The goal is to replace it with a spirit of kindness and caring, not only for myself but others as well!

Week 1 | Self-Love